So I think I'll look back on this post tommorow and I'll realize I sound like a bitch but,
like Sarah says. Everyone poops and everyone sucks. I suck, you suck, everyone sucks. Even though in my own perspective, my own neurotic little world, people who read this glance over this suck a little less because at least they kind of GET me and its like idk I've found that the people who dont give me space or give me too much space or just afjak DO DUMB THINGS don't really know me.

EVEN THOUGH the person that should know me best seems to be the person thats just doing dumb things (or really not dumb things but I just find it dumb and just. not understanding and to afjdkal I CANT USE MY WORDS.).
I mean what the fuck is up with that.

And I just dont like trusting people now.

Or maybe its that I dont trust myself I dont know. Or maybe I'm alienated or everyone else is aliened or I'm just going insane and this is normal for a teenager pre-winter break I DONT KNOW.

Because I know its unreasonable to want to have someone that I can completely trust to know me like the back of their hand. Thats not happening. But its bothering me so much.

I'm losing control of every little aspect of my life and the first one I would like back first is just feeling like theres someone who really gets me enough so that I feel a little less insecure and out of control. BUT IDK. Im asking for a lot. I know if someone told me this I would say "whoah man. Whoahhh there."

I dont know I dont know I dont know.

Okay I feel like I should just. Say something just out there and less angst filled and just make me sound slightly normal or not normal just. Less...

I cant really move around much so I've been playing a buttload of pingpong with my mom. I'm getting hella good. Even though I get really tired after just 2 games and I ususally lose 21-13 or something :l BUTTTTTTT its my only form of excersize I can go through that isnt walking so. I appreciate it dearly.

...Bone marrow exam!

Why they put a 7-week haitus on House (default icon tribute!)
Why the floor is itchy.
Why I thought I was a decently healthy being but I turned out to have a billion things wrong with me.
Why did they take a biopsy in an already inflammed area. What the fuck.
Why did I watch Dirty Dancing Havana nights 3 times this weekend? (Because I think Javier is sexy.)
Why does my dad look like that yellow telly tubby?
Why epsom salt is called epsom salt but its not salt.
Why am I telling the wrong people the wrong things
Why is the sky blue
and whats the meaning of life.


...And why did I only use a question mark twice
and why is this post so annoying ajfdkla;

So I'm spending tommorow sitting around playing board games with my dad and eating green jello. Doing that, and really, only that.
Life is really superb rigt now.


I feel paranoid. Because I know I'm just being too sensitive to everything and normal people wouldnt be like that but thats the way I am.
And its just like everything around me just kinda puts it into perspective of how
my life could be and how things could be going and where my potential could have taken me but some twisted power IDK WHO'S POWER THIS IS BECAUSE IM JUST. I NEVER TRIED TO FIGURE THAT OUT. God, Fate, Obama, I DONT KNOW.
Its like things have taken a turn for the worst. Granted, I'm not dying/dead, my family and friends are safe and well as far as I know, I havent lost my house, I'm not so poor as to I can feel the...lack of wealth. But still. Its like.
NOW ITS LIKE IM TAKING MY LIFE FOR GRANTED and I'm not.
But things just really suck. ANd I would like it to stop sucking. And being dumb.

Its like nothing is right.
I'm telling the wrong people important things because the right people are gone. or because the right people are too busy or the right people are just disconnected and I'm in this whole other world that I wish I wasnt. And I used to bitch so much about swimmingswimmingswimming but its just so empty. So so empty. Its not just swimming its the team and the environment and having somewhere where I'm not the mess that I am and now I dont have that place which leads right back into why I'm telling people the wrong things. Because I have no outlet and I cant find another outlet because I'm always tired and sick and getting blood drawn and angsting over how amazingly horrible everything has become.

Its like 2009 was destined to be one of those years that I just would not have minded cutting out completely. And so far, I would not mind at all, really. Except for a few days and moments but I had those in 2008 too. So it events out. Its almost as if I wish 2009 didnt happen and I could skip right to 2010 from 2008. And its like 2009 wants to end with a bang and drive me insane and do as much damage as possible.

So I've been complaining about not having anything to look foward to but I know for the next week its like "okay get this over with and get this over with" and thats how I'm keeping track of days and time.

And I'm scared one day I'm going to take this all out on the wrong wrong wrong person. And I'll be completely doing it on purpose but the thing is I KNOW 15 minutes later I'll be like "shit" and then I'll have to explain everything and the last thing I want to do is relive the reasons why I do the dumb things that I do.